The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Still dying that you shit outside
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
