you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
