i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We are two peas in an std pod
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize