Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
