i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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