Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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