There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize