If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
