The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
