your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize