tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
