Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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