Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
