You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
