i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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