well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
