Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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