That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
