a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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