She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
