wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
