I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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