I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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