If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
