need another drink. this is the easiest way
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is Oprah even human
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
