i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
