Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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