i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just pee around me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
