if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
