I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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