I got chris browned last night
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
