i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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