Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My pussy is not your playground.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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