Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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