Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We had sex on a dog bed..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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