The maid of honor just puked.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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