I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
