Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
