i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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