Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize