The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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