I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
