I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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