"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
