just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
