I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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