Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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