I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
