She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
