my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
