Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize