alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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