This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
