2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you made out with another girl for some wings
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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