she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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