Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
