mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
