Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
