i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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