Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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