I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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