Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize