i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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