perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Randomize
