He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
