remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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