i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
