So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
