Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
