Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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