and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
