new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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